I want to have a chat about a serious, ongoing feminist issue: reproductive rights and respecting choices. Let me make it ardently clear from the get-go that I believe that self-determination and bodily autonomy are inherent human rights, and that this is a far-reaching umbrella that covers other issues such as consent and the right to die. All of these concepts are deeply nuanced and rely heavily on a multitude of factors, like a person's capacity to make decisions and other contextual circumstances. However, this post will hash out my thoughts about how people treat one another in regards to whether or not they want to have children.
A wee disclaimer: These are my personal opinions. You may or may not agree, as this is a highly sensitive topic, and that's ok. Please give this post a miss if you find pregnancy, abortion, and infertility to be triggering. If you disagree with anything that I have to say, I welcome questions and open discussion.
The Choice to Remain Childless
There are so many, many reasons why people choose not to have kids. The economy is wrecked, what scarce jobs are available either have impossible prerequisites (demanding considerable experience for entry-level positions, unpaid internships) or don't pay well enough to support a comfortable lifestyle for one person let alone a family, highly capable individuals with multiple degrees are forced to live with their parents for lack of sufficiently lucrative opportunities, the environment is trashed, and war and terrorism are so prevalent that the news headlines are no longer shocking.
But even if the world was in a perfect, peachy state, parenthood simply isn't for everyone. Raising other human beings demands everything from you. You have to be able to put your own interests second in every instance for the rest of your life if you want to do it right. Things that might prevent someone from doing that are mental health struggles, wanting to prioritise a career, or just not having a nurturing disposition (and there's nothing wrong with that.) Kudos to those who recognise their inability or unwillingness to put a family first and make the wise decision to stay child-free. Your reasons are valid and you shouldn't have to explain yourself to anyone. That kind of consideration is anything but selfish.
If someone who definitely does not want to be a parent finds themselves pregnant, access to facilities that provide safe terminations is essential. Taking such services away from people opens doors to potentially fatal attempts to do it at home or elsewhere. Adoption certainly is an available option, but there are already far too many unclaimed children who need loving homes, and pregnancy is an intense experience that no one should feel pressured to endure against their will. As Sophocles said, 'To never have been born may be the greatest boon of all.'
Abortion is not murder and it's never an easy choice to make. The experience is enough of an ordeal without accusing terrified women of killing anyone. The pregnancy might be threatening the woman's life, maybe the foetus has no chance at survival or even being carried to term, the woman might have been raped, or she could be completely devoid of the support and resources required to care for a child.
The Choice to Have Children
If you ask anyone why they think people have children, you're likely to be met with initial bafflement, then fraught consideration, followed by largely clueless guesses. It's tricky to try to rationalise animal instinct. Despite the harsh reality of contemporary life and the current state of things, many people want to have kids and will continue to do so. The population of the world would have dropped like lemmings off of a cliff after the World Wars were hope not an enduring guiding light. As bad as things are now, people are people. We are determined to keep going.
Speaking from my perspective as a mother, for me, the desire to start a family definitely did come down to hope. I want life on Earth to improve and don't see how to make that an attainable goal if good people don't reproduce (not to blow my own horn or anything...) Also, coming from a Jewish family, the drive to keep tradition alive has always been a strong motivator for me. My grandparents were Holocaust survivors and the fact that I exist is a miracle. To be quite frank, having a family is a big 'fuck you' to Hitler. Of course, instinct and ethnic propagation has to be tempered with practicality. Phil and I are acutely aware of overpopulation and thus are only having two children, which is one to 'replace' each of us, so to speak. Having three or more would mean when we die, we will have left the earth with even more people. Not happening.
Why do I think people in general have kids? I think we want to correct our parents' mistakes, to make the next generation better than ourselves. And becoming a parent forces you to improve. You have to be the best you can be if you want to set a good example for your children. Some parents are successful, and some parents fail. Sometimes how a person turns out is down to parenting, often parents did all they could without success. But the nature/nurture debate is a whole other can of worms.
For those who want children, it's an incomparable experience. Giving up spontaneity and the ability to just focus on yourself does not feel like giving up luxuries. Before I became a mother, I was completely unaware that such levels of love and joy were possible. I've never laughed so hard, or cried so desperately. It's a whole dimension of existence that's totally unknowable for people without children. I never want to know what life would have been like, or what it could be like, without my son and this second - and last- little one on the way. The experience and state of being is transcendent.
When You Do, Don't, Can't: RESPECT
To make a slight turn in the conversation: I've seen a disconcerting amount of unkindness pass between between people regardless of the fact that both support reproductive freedom. Trouble begins when we think our life choices are the best, or when we make assumptions about why others make certain decisions.
Firstly, just because someone wants children doesn't mean they should be pressured to have them or that they're even capable of having them. I'm sure many of you can relate to the classic scenario of having an overly-eager relative asking you when you're going to have a baby. I've even heard of people having been asked what's 'wrong' with them if they haven't gotten married and/or had a baby yet! People can decide for themselves when it's the right time to have a child, which is different for everyone. Not everyone is lucky enough to find the best partner to parent with early in life, and even fewer people have the guts and resources to choose single parenthood. Others who do find their ideal partner might want to travel for awhile, continue in academia, or get to the next plateau in their career before taking the leap into having kids. It's never really the exact 'right' time. There will always be money issues or logistical obstacles, but when someone feels it's time to start a family, they'll make it the 'right' time. No one else has the right to impose their own idea of the 'right' time on them.
Then there's the struggle of infertility. You never know when a couple might be dealing with this heartbreaking situation, so think twice before you ask someone when the baby's coming. If a friend confides in you that they or their partner are infertile, refrain from making unhelpful comments such as 'just relax and it'll happen' or suggesting they 'just adopt' a child. Be sensitive and listen. Furthermore, if you're pregnant and have a loved one who is battling infertility, be as considerate as possible when making announcements about your pregnancy. Some couples appreciate being told privately before any public statements are made. Let them know they're not obligated to attend any baby-related parties or events.
Secondly - and I'm appalled that this is even a thing that exists - if you are a child-free individual (by choice or otherwise), do not be rude or snarky toward people who have kids. Parents have not thrown their lives away or forfeited their individuality. Honestly, my career as an RN has compromised my ability to pursue hobbies and have fun way more than being a mother has. It's wrong to ditch friends who have become parents because you don't want, like, or have children.
When it's the former, bear in mind that children are human beings. It's one thing to not be maternal/paternal or not be fond of the company of young people. It's quite another to call children disgusting, parasites, brats, or animals. I've had the misfortune of overhearing someone say that they'd 'rather die' than have a child. To a mother's ears, that sounds like you'd rather be dead than be like me. That hurts. Have the base level of respect for others, regardless of their age, be they babies or the elderly. Saying cruel things about children is not normal. It shows abusive tendencies and is a major red flag. No one is going to force you to babysit or play with children, and you certainly should not be allowed anywhere near kids anyway if you have these reprehensible thoughts about them.
When it's the latter and someone does not yet have children due to practicality or infertility, it's still necessary to be kind to pregnant and parenting friends. Although it may ease painful envy to say things like 'pregnant women are smug', that pregnant people and new parents are 'wrong' and 'ungrateful' for expressing themselves about negative aspects of their experiences, or that new parents have become 'robots' and 'abandoned' you, such bitterness is mean and these statements are incorrect. Pregnancy puts your life on the line. As incredible as it is, it's dangerous, scary, and can put the body through some truly unpleasant bumps (no pun intended.) Morning sickness can turn into hyperemesis gravidarum, which puts some people in the hospital and in extreme cases requires termination of the pregnancy to save the mother's life. Low blood pressure causes fainting spells that makes venturing out alone in public risky. I, myself, fainted on a crowded train when 10 weeks pregnant with my son. Musculoskeletal changes during pregnancy often become debilitating. Some women end up on crutches or in wheelchairs for the latter part of their pregnancies with pelvic problems. As for new parents, the sleep deprivation is no joke, as is the constant worry over keeping your new baby safe and healthy. People are allowed to vent and should not be criticised for doing so. It does not mean parents and parents-to-be are ungrateful. These are monumental life changes and your friends need you more than ever. You might find it uncomfortable to spend time around pregnant friends or friends with children, but believe me, they're definitely not abandoning you. Since they're experiencing such upheaval, it's important for you to take the initiative to reach out and let them know you're there and that you love them. A new mom recovering from a c-section isn't going to be able to throw a little black dress on and suggest a club night.
Thirdly, it's completely inappropriate to tell people who have chosen to be childless that they're wrong or will 'change their minds' when they're older. It's not a requirement to reproduce and people who don't want kids are not incomplete. Have enough respect to trust people to know what they want out of life. And if someone does change their mind, keep the smarmy 'I told you so' to yourself. Things change and people are allowed to change their minds. It doesn't invalidate their previous thoughts. But the fact of the matter is that not wanting kids is absolutely normal. Child-free people are no less valuable or loving for the choices they make, and they do not need to put up with negative, belittling comments.
This is a Feminist Issue
Feminism is about gender equality and having the freedom to make choices. This means respecting other people's choices especially if they differ from your own. So be kind. A woman is no less of a woman for not having kids, and a woman who has decided to work part time or stay at home completely to have a family is no less of a feminist. And if you find yourself judging others for their reproductive choices, it's time to do some personal reflection. What is it that upsets you about people not having children? Why does hearing a pregnancy announcement from a friend make you angry?
A wee disclaimer: These are my personal opinions. You may or may not agree, as this is a highly sensitive topic, and that's ok. Please give this post a miss if you find pregnancy, abortion, and infertility to be triggering. If you disagree with anything that I have to say, I welcome questions and open discussion.
The Choice to Remain Childless
There are so many, many reasons why people choose not to have kids. The economy is wrecked, what scarce jobs are available either have impossible prerequisites (demanding considerable experience for entry-level positions, unpaid internships) or don't pay well enough to support a comfortable lifestyle for one person let alone a family, highly capable individuals with multiple degrees are forced to live with their parents for lack of sufficiently lucrative opportunities, the environment is trashed, and war and terrorism are so prevalent that the news headlines are no longer shocking.
But even if the world was in a perfect, peachy state, parenthood simply isn't for everyone. Raising other human beings demands everything from you. You have to be able to put your own interests second in every instance for the rest of your life if you want to do it right. Things that might prevent someone from doing that are mental health struggles, wanting to prioritise a career, or just not having a nurturing disposition (and there's nothing wrong with that.) Kudos to those who recognise their inability or unwillingness to put a family first and make the wise decision to stay child-free. Your reasons are valid and you shouldn't have to explain yourself to anyone. That kind of consideration is anything but selfish.
If someone who definitely does not want to be a parent finds themselves pregnant, access to facilities that provide safe terminations is essential. Taking such services away from people opens doors to potentially fatal attempts to do it at home or elsewhere. Adoption certainly is an available option, but there are already far too many unclaimed children who need loving homes, and pregnancy is an intense experience that no one should feel pressured to endure against their will. As Sophocles said, 'To never have been born may be the greatest boon of all.'
Abortion is not murder and it's never an easy choice to make. The experience is enough of an ordeal without accusing terrified women of killing anyone. The pregnancy might be threatening the woman's life, maybe the foetus has no chance at survival or even being carried to term, the woman might have been raped, or she could be completely devoid of the support and resources required to care for a child.
The Choice to Have Children
If you ask anyone why they think people have children, you're likely to be met with initial bafflement, then fraught consideration, followed by largely clueless guesses. It's tricky to try to rationalise animal instinct. Despite the harsh reality of contemporary life and the current state of things, many people want to have kids and will continue to do so. The population of the world would have dropped like lemmings off of a cliff after the World Wars were hope not an enduring guiding light. As bad as things are now, people are people. We are determined to keep going.
Speaking from my perspective as a mother, for me, the desire to start a family definitely did come down to hope. I want life on Earth to improve and don't see how to make that an attainable goal if good people don't reproduce (not to blow my own horn or anything...) Also, coming from a Jewish family, the drive to keep tradition alive has always been a strong motivator for me. My grandparents were Holocaust survivors and the fact that I exist is a miracle. To be quite frank, having a family is a big 'fuck you' to Hitler. Of course, instinct and ethnic propagation has to be tempered with practicality. Phil and I are acutely aware of overpopulation and thus are only having two children, which is one to 'replace' each of us, so to speak. Having three or more would mean when we die, we will have left the earth with even more people. Not happening.
Why do I think people in general have kids? I think we want to correct our parents' mistakes, to make the next generation better than ourselves. And becoming a parent forces you to improve. You have to be the best you can be if you want to set a good example for your children. Some parents are successful, and some parents fail. Sometimes how a person turns out is down to parenting, often parents did all they could without success. But the nature/nurture debate is a whole other can of worms.
For those who want children, it's an incomparable experience. Giving up spontaneity and the ability to just focus on yourself does not feel like giving up luxuries. Before I became a mother, I was completely unaware that such levels of love and joy were possible. I've never laughed so hard, or cried so desperately. It's a whole dimension of existence that's totally unknowable for people without children. I never want to know what life would have been like, or what it could be like, without my son and this second - and last- little one on the way. The experience and state of being is transcendent.
When You Do, Don't, Can't: RESPECT
To make a slight turn in the conversation: I've seen a disconcerting amount of unkindness pass between between people regardless of the fact that both support reproductive freedom. Trouble begins when we think our life choices are the best, or when we make assumptions about why others make certain decisions.
Firstly, just because someone wants children doesn't mean they should be pressured to have them or that they're even capable of having them. I'm sure many of you can relate to the classic scenario of having an overly-eager relative asking you when you're going to have a baby. I've even heard of people having been asked what's 'wrong' with them if they haven't gotten married and/or had a baby yet! People can decide for themselves when it's the right time to have a child, which is different for everyone. Not everyone is lucky enough to find the best partner to parent with early in life, and even fewer people have the guts and resources to choose single parenthood. Others who do find their ideal partner might want to travel for awhile, continue in academia, or get to the next plateau in their career before taking the leap into having kids. It's never really the exact 'right' time. There will always be money issues or logistical obstacles, but when someone feels it's time to start a family, they'll make it the 'right' time. No one else has the right to impose their own idea of the 'right' time on them.
Then there's the struggle of infertility. You never know when a couple might be dealing with this heartbreaking situation, so think twice before you ask someone when the baby's coming. If a friend confides in you that they or their partner are infertile, refrain from making unhelpful comments such as 'just relax and it'll happen' or suggesting they 'just adopt' a child. Be sensitive and listen. Furthermore, if you're pregnant and have a loved one who is battling infertility, be as considerate as possible when making announcements about your pregnancy. Some couples appreciate being told privately before any public statements are made. Let them know they're not obligated to attend any baby-related parties or events.
Secondly - and I'm appalled that this is even a thing that exists - if you are a child-free individual (by choice or otherwise), do not be rude or snarky toward people who have kids. Parents have not thrown their lives away or forfeited their individuality. Honestly, my career as an RN has compromised my ability to pursue hobbies and have fun way more than being a mother has. It's wrong to ditch friends who have become parents because you don't want, like, or have children.
When it's the former, bear in mind that children are human beings. It's one thing to not be maternal/paternal or not be fond of the company of young people. It's quite another to call children disgusting, parasites, brats, or animals. I've had the misfortune of overhearing someone say that they'd 'rather die' than have a child. To a mother's ears, that sounds like you'd rather be dead than be like me. That hurts. Have the base level of respect for others, regardless of their age, be they babies or the elderly. Saying cruel things about children is not normal. It shows abusive tendencies and is a major red flag. No one is going to force you to babysit or play with children, and you certainly should not be allowed anywhere near kids anyway if you have these reprehensible thoughts about them.
When it's the latter and someone does not yet have children due to practicality or infertility, it's still necessary to be kind to pregnant and parenting friends. Although it may ease painful envy to say things like 'pregnant women are smug', that pregnant people and new parents are 'wrong' and 'ungrateful' for expressing themselves about negative aspects of their experiences, or that new parents have become 'robots' and 'abandoned' you, such bitterness is mean and these statements are incorrect. Pregnancy puts your life on the line. As incredible as it is, it's dangerous, scary, and can put the body through some truly unpleasant bumps (no pun intended.) Morning sickness can turn into hyperemesis gravidarum, which puts some people in the hospital and in extreme cases requires termination of the pregnancy to save the mother's life. Low blood pressure causes fainting spells that makes venturing out alone in public risky. I, myself, fainted on a crowded train when 10 weeks pregnant with my son. Musculoskeletal changes during pregnancy often become debilitating. Some women end up on crutches or in wheelchairs for the latter part of their pregnancies with pelvic problems. As for new parents, the sleep deprivation is no joke, as is the constant worry over keeping your new baby safe and healthy. People are allowed to vent and should not be criticised for doing so. It does not mean parents and parents-to-be are ungrateful. These are monumental life changes and your friends need you more than ever. You might find it uncomfortable to spend time around pregnant friends or friends with children, but believe me, they're definitely not abandoning you. Since they're experiencing such upheaval, it's important for you to take the initiative to reach out and let them know you're there and that you love them. A new mom recovering from a c-section isn't going to be able to throw a little black dress on and suggest a club night.
Thirdly, it's completely inappropriate to tell people who have chosen to be childless that they're wrong or will 'change their minds' when they're older. It's not a requirement to reproduce and people who don't want kids are not incomplete. Have enough respect to trust people to know what they want out of life. And if someone does change their mind, keep the smarmy 'I told you so' to yourself. Things change and people are allowed to change their minds. It doesn't invalidate their previous thoughts. But the fact of the matter is that not wanting kids is absolutely normal. Child-free people are no less valuable or loving for the choices they make, and they do not need to put up with negative, belittling comments.
This is a Feminist Issue
Feminism is about gender equality and having the freedom to make choices. This means respecting other people's choices especially if they differ from your own. So be kind. A woman is no less of a woman for not having kids, and a woman who has decided to work part time or stay at home completely to have a family is no less of a feminist. And if you find yourself judging others for their reproductive choices, it's time to do some personal reflection. What is it that upsets you about people not having children? Why does hearing a pregnancy announcement from a friend make you angry?
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