California, here I come, right back where I started from...etc, etc.
Tomorrow is Rosh HaShanah, the Jewish New Year. Following that next week is Yom Kippur, which is the holiest day in the Jewish calendar, the Day of Atonement. There's a lot for me on which to reflect as another year turns over. I would like to see clearly how I can be a better mother, wife, nurse, sister, daughter, granddaughter, and friend - including a friend to myself. What goals can I set? I want to be more adept at budgeting my time. I need to respect my body more. It's time to prioritise my own standards and worry less about meeting those of others.
Well, I'm there already. A family crisis came to a head. Duty called. I followed the Bat Signal.
And let me tell you, a ten hour flight is not fun when you're in your third trimester of pregnancy. Neither is the jet lag nor the stunning amount of stress that comes with navigating American bureaucracy (health insurance for me and the guys, Green Card for hubs, putting the little guy in school) during said family crisis. I have been stressed, folks. I don't think I've ever known stress like this. But I'm ok, baby is ok, the guys are ok, and I'm optimistic that things will continue to be ok. At least for the most part.
We will be spending my maternity leave here to support my family members in need as much as possible. After that, we'll be returning to the UK in the late spring next year. Although it's not nice to say it, the eventual return to Britain is a little beacon of encouragement for me at the moment. Reintegrating into American culture has been a lot tougher on me than I expected, after having been in the UK for 9 years. I don't know how I thought I was going to react to being back in California for longer than a holiday after so many years, but I have become more British than I thought. Everything seems to annoy me (I'm sure part of that is being a grumpy pregnant lady) but hubs and wee man are absolutely thriving, which makes everything bearable and worth it. America is still a romantic novelty for them. I hope it stays that way.
I've heard that once you become an expat you can never go home again, but I disagree. Now it feels like I have two homes, I'm a foreigner in both, and no matter where I am I will be homesick. This is the price I've paid for my marriage, for which I have no regrets. He is my soul mate and the ways in which my life has improved since moving to the UK are innumerable: I learned to love myself; I found and pursued and entered the right career for me; I started an amazing family of my own; I grew up. Not that the UK is perfect, especially London, of which I grow more and more weary by the day. Working as a nurse at the forefront of the recent terrorist attacks has definitely added to my unease, as much as it's been an honour to care for victims. Right now daydreaming about a little house somewhere green around Yorkshire or Edinburgh is helping me cope with the chaos of things-at-the-moment.
This pregnancy is coming to a close. I'm 36 weeks and one day along today. To say it has been a challenging one from start to finish would be an understatement, as you all know from my previous posts, but I'm so lucky to be well and to expect a healthy little girl. My body deserves major kudos for getting us through this with all of the physical, emotional, and circumstantial turmoil that's gone on. And once the baby is here, the real work begins.
I want to express enormous gratitude to all of the people in my life who have been supporting me, especially in the past two months. My friends in the 'real' world in addition to the beautiful friends I have online have been crucial to my overall health. I can't thank you all enough. Hard times reveal who really loves you. It is a litmus test. Who will have your back and who will mysteriously disappear may come as a surprise. May I always be there for my true allies in the same way they have been here for me. Life is too short and too precarious to invest time and energy in people who don't reciprocate your love. Shit gets real out of nowhere. Don't swim an ocean for someone who won't even get their toes wet for you.
Tomorrow is Rosh HaShanah, the Jewish New Year. Following that next week is Yom Kippur, which is the holiest day in the Jewish calendar, the Day of Atonement. There's a lot for me on which to reflect as another year turns over. I would like to see clearly how I can be a better mother, wife, nurse, sister, daughter, granddaughter, and friend - including a friend to myself. What goals can I set? I want to be more adept at budgeting my time. I need to respect my body more. It's time to prioritise my own standards and worry less about meeting those of others.
Apologies for not going into specifics about what's actually happening with family here in California. The people directly affected are rather private, so it's important to honour that. My mind has been all over the place lately and I've barely had time to shave my legs (not that I can reach them currently anyway) let along blog. But I really want to write some more light-hearted posts to scatter some of the shadows that have been accumulating here. I need to shine a little light.
Comments
Post a Comment